Life is a Practice, Not a Perfect

Recently, one of my friends asked me what I do all day, now that I'm not working, and it really got me thinking.  What do I do?  What should I be doing?  In America, perhaps more than anyplace else on Earth, our identities are wrapped up in our job descriptions and our bank accounts.  As a young, stay-at-home Mom I often found myself dismissed as having nothing of interest to contribute to a conversation and having limited power when it came to financial decisions.  When I re-entered the workforce after a divorce, I took a lot of pride in being able to define myself by a title, "Caseworker, Executive Director, etc."   

It has been unsettling, to say the least, to let go of that piece of my identity by quitting my job and hitching my wagon to someone else's star.  I tried that when I was young and it didn't work out too well for me.  Much as I wanted an adventure, it's a pretty big proposition.  It seems as if I'm supposed to learn something from the whole thing.  But what, exactly?  Am I supposed to  let go of my Catholic guilt and relax and enjoy life?  Love myself more?

Am I being called to a higher purpose?  If so, please turn up the volume. 

Right now, I think that maybe it's all about conquering my fear.  I have a pretty dark outlook on life that I struggle to manage.  Fear of failing, fear of something awful happening to someone I love, fear of - you get the idea.  Luckily, Jack is a great balance for me.  While I tend to think that the worst will happen, Jack always expects the best to happen and we balance each other out.  Jack talks me off the ledge and I keep him from bobbing along like a helium filled balloon. 

While I work to figure it all out on this road trip I'm trying to challenge myself to do things that are out of my comfort zone.  (Aside from selling our house, quitting my job, and going on a cross-country adventure that is!)  Before I left Illinois, I had started taking yoga classes with the terrific ladies at Just Breathe and it was a very positive experience.  So, when we got to New York City, I thought that maybe a good way to push the envelope a bit would be by taking Bikram Yoga classes. 

Bikram classes are 90 minutes long and practiced in a room that is heated to 105 degrees with something like 80% humidity.  I should mention that I hate humidity.  In addition, this being New York, the majority of my fellow students seemed to be actresses and dancers - both young and FLEXIBLE.  And comfortable with nudity.  I've never seen so many women of all ages walking around a locker room completely unclothed in my life.  No towels, even!  Definitely out of the box for a former Catholic school girl from the Midwest but a good challenge for me.  I still hate humidity.

When we came to Charleston, I stuck with Bikram classes several times a week and added running to my list of things to try.  I've run on and off for years but have rarely entered races. That whole fear thing makes it just too stressful for me.  But, racing is one of my goals and I plan to enter a race wherever we go until it's no big deal. 

With that goal in mind Jack and I entered a 5K race a few weeks ago. The Race and Roast featured an oyster roast and live music after the race and we were excited about trying something new.  The course was on the property of an old plantation and runners started off by running through an avenue of live oak trees and then out onto a trail through the woods.  After the race, runners could stay for the oyster roast and listen to the live band on the shore of a small lake. 

Despite my pre-race anxiety, I had a good time, didn't fall, wasn't last and finished in a respectable time for me.  Jack had not done any running at all since his back surgery in September (I mean, not even around the block) but finished the race and enjoyed a celebratory Palmetto beer with me post race.

After the race, we really, really wanted to eat oysters with the rest of the participants but they smelled like river mud and we just couldn't bring ourselves to do it!  Jack and I were definitely in the minority.  People crowded around the tables and couldn't seem to get enough of those oysters.  Maybe it's an acquired taste?  How do you get past the smell?  Some people even brought their own oyster shucking glove and shell opening tool from home.  Maybe next time.



All in all, I'm having a good time trying to figure it all out.  My goal is to NOT do a lot of thinking about what comes next.  I'm trying to take each day as it comes and let go of my feelings of "should".  It's harder than it sounds (for me) but as they say in yoga, "It's a practice, not a perfect."  For now, I'll just appreciate the great weather in Charleston, the terrific restaurants, and the chance to have some time to enjoy life.  I'm grateful for the gift.